Friday, February 12, 2010


Tonight's blog is more therapy for me. I write as a means of expression and also as a way to help myself cope. Tonight is the latter.

My niece has a sign on her door that says "My prince has come...his name is daddy." While that is sweet and cute for a three year old little girl, one day my niece will want to find the love of her life- and it won't be her daddy. But what do you do when you find that love and HAVE to let it go? I hope my niece never has to do that- I hope that the first guy she falls in love with will be her husband and everything she needs in one. Then she'll never experience the pain of lost love.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I disagree with this statement. When you have loved and lost, loved hard, and to lose is the worst pain anyone can experience. Indescribable. To know that you love someone more than life itself- that you are willing to give up any and everything for that person because your love for them is so strong- to lose that....hurts beyond words can describe.

I thank God for certain people being placed in my life that help me along this road. My Pastor is one of those people. He told me that as much as I think I love this man, it's all I know. All I know is all I know....therefore, I don't feel like I could ever love anyone more than I love this man- merely because it's all I know. I've never loved anyone like I love him and it is hard to conceive loving someone more than I love him. Point being, how do I know that I can't love someone more than I love him? Just because it's all I know right now, does not mean that that's all there is! I'm taking refuge in that truth! When my heart and flesh feel this way- I have no other option but to turn to my Savior. My refuge, my strong tower, my strength when I am weak...the place I should have went first. I have no other choice but to trust God concerning my future husband. There is one that I want it to be, but if that's not what God wants, I'm ok with that. I have learned, through various life situations, that I would MUCH rather have God's plans for me than Stephanie's plans for me.

I have heard people say that if someone wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM! Especially if it is a boyfriend or girlfriend. Later, you will realize that they were the fool for leaving! I know that when my husband comes I will be able to say, "It is obvious how much he loves me!" (Song of Solomon 2:4). What I am taking this time to do is to truly see God. I want my heart and my motives to be pure. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." (Matthew 5:8). With everything in me, I want it to come from a place of purity- not just sexual purity- but in everything I do and everything I say- I want it all to come from a pure motive, no pretenses. I know then that I will be able to see God in everything in life. Right now, as single as I can be, I am completely whole. Just like my Pastor has been preaching- I do not lack anything! "The LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything." Deuteronomy 2:7...while I'm in this wilderness, just like the children of Israel, I will lack NOTHING!

I know that I can be a good girlfriend- of that I am sure! I will put my boyfriend first and make sure I have done everything I need to do as his girlfriend. What I want this "single time" in my life to be is a rejuvenating process to get me to the place where I am not only a good girlfriend, but a godly girlfriend- living out godly principles and preparing myself to be a godly wife.

God never promised that this road would be easy; He just promised we would never walk it alone. And I'm clinging to that promise tonight: "I will never leave you; I will never forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5). No matter how forsaken I may feel, I will have to reconnect to the Spirit and remind myself of this promise. Thank you Jesus- my Savior, my Friend!

....this blog has accomplished it's mission of being a therapy session for me. Ha ha!

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